THE NEW BARBARIANS (1983) Review

Directed by: Enzo G. Castellari
Written by: Tito Carpi, Antonio Visone, Enzo G. Castellari
Starring: Giancarlo Prete, Fred Williamson, George Eastman, Anna Kanakis, Ennio Girolami, Massimo Vanni

"DEALERS IN DEATH... EXTERMINATORS OF THE 21ST CENTURY..."

To kick off George Eastman week (don't bother looking it up it's not a real thing you idiot) I've decided to re-watch and review one of my favorite post apocalyptic flicks of all time. Get ready for some mind-blowing futuristic mayhem as we go back to the future and take a look at Enzo G. Castellari's THE NEW BARBARIANS.

An obviously miniaturised model of a cityscape stands before our eyes. Within seconds we hear the high-pitched whistling of an incoming projectile. A bright shape streaks across the sky and impacts the city. BOOM! As Claudio Simonetti's throbbing synth score kicks in the title flashes upon the screen followed by the opening credits, all the while we watch as the city is swallowed in a billowing cloud of smoke and flame.
Welcome to the future. With the city out of view the text on screen tells us that it is now the year 2019 and the nuclear holocaust we just witnessed is finally over. Civilization's remaining inhabitants have crawled out from their shelters into the relative safety of the now uncontaminated wasteland. The nuclear fallout may not be a threat but of course there are much worse things roaming the wastes.

Things may have been different in the 80s but nowadays THE NEW BARBARIANS' view of the 21st Century is hilarious. Thugs and cutthroats roam the deserts (as you would expect) but rather than the tough, dangerous looking pieces of machinery shown so brilliantly in THE ROAD WARRIOR the villains in this future drive around in modified golf carts, reaching dizzying speeds of over 20 miles an hour. And when they're not wasting fuel (presumably a rare commodity in a post-apocalyptic world) by driving around and around in circles like douchebags, they're terrorizing innocents with their futuristic pew-pew energy weapons. Like douchebags.
Yes this is the kind of future where the bad guys wear big shoulder guards and everybody has a name like Scorpion, Shadow or One. Just think, only five more years until we see this shit for real!

The movie follows our hero Scorpion (played by Giancarlo Prete - and yes I was being serious about the names) who drives around in a car which looks like the retarded love child of Max Rockatansky's Interceptor and that car Homer designed in that one Simpsons episode. And you can tell he's a badass because he has a skull for a hood ornament.
He has a run-in with The Templars, a vicious group of dudes whose goal it is to cleanse the land by killing everybody. Probably not the best long term plan. Anyhow, turns out Scorp used to be a fucking Templar! And now that they know he's back in town their leader One (played brilliantly by George Eastman) wants some good old fashioned revenge. There are some other characters and a limp romance but basically that's the whole premise. Oh and unfortunately there is only one black person in the future, but on the plus side that one black person is Fred fucking Williamson, and he fires exploding arrows! Now that's tough.

Props to the design department whose vision for the future was to dress everybody in stupid clothes, put useless plastic domes on all of the cars and then spray-paint everything in sight silver. And I'd also like to give a shoutout to the Foley artist, I'm curious as to whether they used a blender or a vacuum cleaner to make the sound of the futuristic vehicles. Whichever it was it was fucking annoying and they probably deserve a punch in the face. And speaking of faces and punching I have to mention the young boy whose name I forget. He's supposedly a genius mechanic charged with maintaining Scorpion's car, but he also happens to have the most punchable face in the world. Even his killer skill with a slingshot doesn't detract from my wanting to pound his fucking teeth in. Thankfully his on-screen time is rather minimal.

Since this is George Eastman week let's talk a little more about him. Nobody could ever accuse him of being a great actor but he is brilliant in this flick, embracing his role as the post-apocalyptic death cult leader. Also worth mentioning is the rather unexpected scene where The Templars actually catch Scorpion and in preparation for his execution One gives him his 'initiation'. Initiation is code for 'getting raped in the ass by George Eastman' by the way. Yep. In fact One is probably the most interesting and confusing character in the movie, from his quote about books being responsible for the apocalypse (did I miss something?) right up to his idea to exterminate every living thing on the planet. Oh, why can't we all just get along?

In summary: go see this movie right now. Right fucking now.